Oct 24- Oct 30, 2012 The Precipice - The Perspective — Coming Home After Being in the Hospital After Frenamee\ Chemo Treatment #1
24 OCT 2012 (Wednesday) – 30 OCT 2012 (Tuesday)
Friday 19 OCT 2012 after being home from my first Frenamee\chemo treatment less than 24 hours, I looked up and said, "God I am not sure that this journey is worth it. If you want me to take this journey, than you need to show me what to do. I have done everything they trained me to do in chemo class and I can't seem to help myself." My comment, was me coming to the end of myself and that is exactly what I needed to do, in order to hear God's Still Small Voice. God had just been waiting for me to look up and ask for His divine help and stop trying to do things on my own. You see, when I started throwing up and feeling so strangely, I had nothing to measure it with as I had never experienced chemo therapy before. Mentally, I had found that I had been comparing myself to my mother, who was 75 when she went through breast cancer and her chemo therapy. Satan of course plants his thoughts in your head, so you begin to doubt yourself. Why was I so weak and my Mom had been so strong when going through chemo? You naturally admire your parents and look up to them and one of my prayers, when my Mom was going through her cancer was to be as strong and walk as gracefully through the journey of cancer, with the positive attitude she always demonstrated, should I ever face it. In reality, God doesn't want us to compare ourselves to others, as He has created us all differently. God's response to my discouragement & flashing moments of feelings of hopelessness was immediate. “Get Jamie to call the phone number for the chemo department in St. John that is posted on your refrigerator. They gave you that number for a reason.” Finally by noontime on Friday, I had Jamie call the chemo department in St. John and their reply was swift. You need to take her immediately to the hospital. You see I had nothing to measure chemotherapy with and had no idea just how sick I had really become. Spending a week in the hospital allowed my heart to know, that it wasn't a matter of me being strong, I was very sick young, woman who needed medical attention. Great health has never been one of my gifts in life and but I have always had the attitude to suck it up and deal with it. Paulette, you have so many blessings in your life and you are surrounded by them. There are so many people so much worse off than you. God will help you through. God has NEVER failed me! It is me that has failed myself, by trying to deal with things the way I've thought I should instead of listening to God’s Still Small Voice at the time. OK, well I actually think a mega phone was invented for me, so God could get my attention at times. God is just waiting for us to seek His face and ask for help. The hard part is that you have to humble yourself and let God take the knowledge from your head to your heart, that you need help. It is human pride that tells us we can do it ourselves. Coming to the end of yourself and pride, is where you meet God face to face. My heart now understands just how sick I was, as I was kept in the hospital for a week. It wasn't me NOT being strong enough; I needed to allow those God had chosen to help me regain my strength and health to continue this journey. The funny thing about help is, no one can help you unless you are willing to accept their help. Accepting help takes swallowing your pride. I wonder how much needless pain we put ourselves through, because our pride gets in the way. Reality is that ALL THINGS are possible through God. He is just waiting for us to ask Him for his help.
My stay in the St. Stephen, hospital was filled with blessings and small things that I could do for the Lord each day, if I just listened to His leading. My walks in the halls became visits to rooms where people never seemed to have visitors and we shared and encouraged each other. The woman in the room next to me was battling brain cancer for the second time. The sweet lady down the hall had lung cancer and lived to far away from her home to have visitors. Then there was the sweet lady who just needed company to encourage her to eat. These were all things that I could do that truly blessed my heart. Having my family doctor from Mon. – Friday was such a huge blessing. He knows me better than anyone else medically. When my BP was spiking at night to 166/123 etc. he knew exactly how to help me. The hospital setting was more like one of a second family, than a hospital setting. I appreciated very much the gluten free, dairy free meals they provided for me. I treasured each of the staff so much and how hard they worked. You could tell they were not just there for a paycheck… they were there for the love of the job and making a difference in others lives, at a time when they needed it most. What beautifully spirited people I had the privilege of being surrounded with each day. I enjoyed my many visits with each of them and our chats. It seems everyone has a story to share, if we are willing to listen. All are stories that we can learn much from. It pierced my heart of just how prevalent cancer is today. One of their coworkers was having her first chemo treatment that week. I got to write her a note of encouragement. They were doing a fundraiser as she would be unable to work. People have good hearts. We need to take time to reach out and make a difference. My dream will be to walk in the race for the cure. I am back to walking my mile in the path Jamie has created around our house.
With this journey of cancer, I have learned that I will need the help of my friends & family that God has blessed me with. The depth of realizing the reality of their love for me is such a blessing. Yes it brings many happy tears to my heart. How do you adequately describe in words, how the actions of the love of those God has surrounded you with reaches into the depths of your heart and changes your spirit. God, through others who are his faithful servants He provides for our needs. They are the ones who might say, "let me know if I can do anything for you." You just need to open your heart to be willing to ask for help. You see God has richly blessed me with many to help me walk this journey with cancer. To think that my Mom & Dad, Elaine, my favorite sister-in-law Lassie are cooking some of my favorite things and putting them in containers so I will be able to have easy meals, when Jamie leaves for his two week away work shift. Ok, well Lassie’s was my coming home meal a week after being in the hospital. All I wanted was sweet & sour meatballs boy did they hit the spot! They warned me that I would have cravings and well it is true. Gail & Gloria my extra large container of chili. Think of the huge blessing this all really is. Each has listened to God's Still Small Voice and are meeting my needs, before I have them arise. There is such a peace there. Cindy (who brought me my graving for chili) & Lassie who waited until I was ready to have company & then came to visit me at the hospital... what a blessing they were. What warmth & joy in their visits, because they loved me enough to wait until I was strong enough and ready. Being a mother, I know how hard it is to wait when it is your child too... you just want to be there. Thanks for your amazing strength to wait Mom & Dad until you knew I was really ready for a visit. There is nothing like looking into the eyes of those you love, when you are ready, and striving on your journey to recovery. Indescribable, unconditional Christ-like love is hard to express in words. Think of the discipline it took for Jamie to stay home a couple of days so I could just truly rest and nap. I knew that just about killed him but my body needed it. He got some extra special things done at home too for me. Those of you who have taken the time to send an email (Yvonne & Davine, Aunt Sonja etc) , out of your very busy lives. The thoughtful package or card that awaited my arrival home. Mitch loved your new CD and hearing what the Lord is doing with you. Charity my precious snowbabies of friendship support. I feel your arms around me each time I see it. Each one always arrives with God's perfect timing for when my heart needs it. I know that I am NOT alone! That feeling of being alone is one of satan's greatest tools that he attempts to use to try and place doubt within our spirit. Each of you who have taken time to pray. There is no greater gift. Let us never underestimate the power of our prayers. I am limited in what I can do right now, but I can always pray for others. My heart knows personally the difference this can make on whatever journey you have been chosen to walk.
So it felt like satan had taken me to the very precipice, but through the love of God and his faithful servants freenamee treatment #1 is behind me. On Nov. 7th is Freenamee treatment #2 and Aunt Elaine & maybe even Uncle Kevin are going to take me to this appointment. Pray for wisdom for all the new medicines that they are going to give me this time… there is a lot to learn but as my heart knows, God has given me people to help me learn. I meet with my oncologist first and then I will have my chemo treatment. So far my blood work this week has come back fine, so if I can avoid germs etc. I am good to go. Right now I am just building up my strength to be at my best next week. SIX – FIVE!!!! Everyone say FIVE next week. Remember above all else that God is so amazingly good.
My love, ((((HUGS))))) and prayers,
Paulette
By the way, I have decided to take up napping everyday as a favorite sport. I am getting so good at it, maybe I will be able to enter the Olympics for it. Anyone who knows me, knows that napping is not something I typically do. LOL Paula warned me naps would be good. Jamie I am even enjoying watching the satellite… thanks for all the hard work to make home so nice, when you had to leave to go to work. Love you!!!
