11SEPT2013 Learning to Color Outside the Lines - It’s Not About Me - Shingles
To Move Ahead, You Can’t Keep Looking in the Rear View Mirror
Sept. 11, 2013
Learning to Color Outside the Lines
It’s been a long time since I completed any journaling. Notice that I said “completed”. It’s strange; I would start something, then not finish it. Some days would pass and another idea would pop into my head… I would start to write again and not complete it. Anyway you see the pattern that was forming. Then I thought, maybe my ADD brain was coming back. I know a lot of you out there have the same “ADD Cleaning Brain” that I have. Your day begins with the intention to clean. You start in the living room and find something that belongs in the kitchen, so you take it to the kitchen. While you are there, you start cleaning your kitchen and then you find something that belongs in the bedroom. You take it to the bedroom and soon find yourself cleaning the bedroom. By the end of your cleaning session, you have many rooms started but NONE completed. Come on, be real… do I hear an amen out there?! I am writing off last week, as a full ADD week. Really, it isn’t my fault though. Life has been so unpredictable, since first finding out that I had breast cancer last July… having my operation in August… starting my chemo in October… finishing my radiation treatments in the end of April. Then our house sold, so we had to immediately start packing up our house of 30 years and move into an apartment. Next my husband moved our son Bill to Kansas. For those of you who don’t remember, it’s the second child of ours that he has driven to Kansas and left there. Hate to blow your, “Jamie is the perfect parent” theory, but do you see the flaw here?!
Kansas August 2013
My Dad had insisted that Bill & Jamie use his truck to pull the U-Haul with his grandson’s chosen things that needed to be move to Kansas. Dad even had the truck serviced, so everything would be in as perfect working order as it could be, for when the day came they were to leave. I had wanted to be able to drive home with him but, Jamie kept trying to tell me that I physically wasn’t ready to do it. That was not exactly music to my ears! Though now I have to admit, “Jamie, you were right.” Don’t let it go to your head. Jamie ended up driving all the way home from Kansas alone. As I have continually been learning, alone time with God teaches you much.
After Jamie arrived home from Kansas, we had 1 1\2 days together before he had to return to work; that brought the grand total up to two days that we have had alone together in over a year! My heart has been waiting for the days to come that would not be centered on hospitals, testing, treatments, doctors, packing or moving. Surprise, next week Jamie arrives home on Monday… Tuesday he and I each have an appointment in Machias, Wednesday I have two doctors appointments in St. John and Thursday we both have appointments with our family doctor in St. Stephen. The only time Jamie can be scheduled for an appointment is when he is not working. Let’s face it too, he has been sadly neglected in this area since last July. Next Friday, Saturday and Sunday will be the first whole “seemingly normal” weekend he and I will have the opportunity to spend together in a very long time. Yes, I have that one marked on my calendar!
This past year’s roller coaster ride, is exactly why last week was my first full ADD week… it was my first week since my nine day recovery period, after I finished my radiation treatments, that I felt like I could step off the roller coaster, begin to really recover and try to start to comprehend what my “new normal” might be. It has been anything but ordinary since I started my journey with cancer for both Jamie & I. In many ways it has felt like a marathon without an end in sight. Reality is that the “old normal” doesn’t exist for either of us anymore. There have been so many continuous vast changes.
Just when I thought I was feeling a little better, my body decided to remind me that I had been over doing it, because I came down with shingles in early July. Dad I am warning you, do not say, “I told you so”. The next time I hear the word shingles, I hope it is when we redo the roof at the Lake House. It seems when your immune system is compromised, that it takes a longer period of time to recover from most things. Yes two months was quite enough time dealing with the shingles, by my standards any way. Still some scars and nerve pain remain, but I gladly got rid of the anti-fungal & pain medications. Shingles causes “nerve pain”... kind of like when you feel like you have one nerve left and someone is on it. Only with every single shingle you have, it is that one nerve individually going off physically instead of mentally! Anyone who has experienced having shingles, will know exactly what I am talking about.
You might think that shingles was sufficient enough consequence for my over doing it for so long. Nope, the worst part of the whole things is that you can’t hug anyone, because if you do you are placing them at risk, as long as those shingle blisters and sores remain open. Any of you that know me, would realize that not being able to hug anyone was the worst consequence of all for me… but I took the high road… I was not going to take ANY chance that I would have to accept responsibility for someone else getting the shingles!
Now back off the ADD rabbit trail… When Jamie returned from moving Bill to Kansas, I could at least hug him. Though if the truth be told, I would like to have killed him… as now he had left both my children in Kansas. Where is the justice here, didn’t I carry them for nine months and give birth to them? Ok, well I was asleep and had a c-section for both their deliveries. I guess if you snooze you lose bigger than you had ever imagined. You see Jamie even got to hold each of them first!
Let’s stop, reflect and think about it for a few minutes. Kind of humorous when you really stop and think about it. I had been in isolation for so long while going through my chemo & radiation treatments and even after they were completed… until my blood work said it was ok to be out in the real world again…. and that wasn’t until May 29th, the day before Lindsay & family came to visit. In early July, I go to be isolated again because of my outbreak with shingles. Wouldn’t you think that God would be tired of all this alone time with me? Oh no, He ALWAYS has something to teach you. One day, when I decided to have a pity party, God gently reminded me that the journey is not finished until He takes me home. Finally figured out that I’d best listen to Him and see what He was trying to teach me now, why doing all my new time in solitary confinement. There were many lessons learned and the one resounding lesson that keeps repeating itself over and over again is that, “it’s not all about me.” It’s about what I can do for God wherever I am. After all, real joy comes from helping others. I am not saying that it was easy or that it wasn’t painful or that I wasn’t sad at times… These poignant times of isolation are when God teaches us much. After all, keeping you inaccessible does make you His captive audience. None of what had taken place was what I had planned. You see we had booked the tickets for my grandchildren to fly home to spend time with Jamie & I again. I missed them so and I was finally starting to feel a little better. The plan was that their, Dad was to fly them here to Maine and spend the weekend and then he would fly home. Jamie & I would have Audri & Ethan for a couple of weeks, then I was to fly my grandchildren back to Kansas. That would also allow me to be out there when Owen had his procedure done, also his first birthday and when Jamie arrived with Bill. I was going to get out of doing, what I really didn’t want to do and that was to say goodbye to Bill when he left from the Lake House. It still brings tears to my eyes when remembering the day that I saw Jamie leave with Lindsay to take her to Kansas. She was 15 years old; I watched and waved to her, as I had done so many times when she left to go some place. For as long as I could remember, they would pull out of the driveway and go down over the steep hill and I would be waiting in our bay window to wave to them when they looked up, as they drove past. The day Lindsay left for Kansas with her Dad, I tried my best to be strong and smile and wave… I knew she could not see my tears as Bill held me close and I cried as I watched them drive past the bay window. We are given our children for a designated amount of time, determined by God… at 15 God had plans for Lindsay.
When we knew our house on Campobello had sold and Bill would be moving away too. Jamie tried to comfort me by saying, “At least you won’t have to wave goodbye to him from our bay window.” He knew we would be moved out of our house before he left. Let’s just say that that was not a comforting thought and I started to cry. Where was any form of normal that I remembered… I was trying to get comfortable in my new body after the treatments (lack of physical strength, numb feet & hands etc)… we were no longer going to live in our house where we had been for 30 years… my son who had always been with or near us for 33 years was going to leave. Emotionally I had been through a lot and my heart knew that this would be very difficult for me. You see this was my son who had stayed just to take care for me, while I went through my cancer treatments… my son who brought groceries and cooked homemade food for me… my son who set his alarm all night long and came to tell me when each time I needed to take my medications throughout my chemo treatments, whenever Jamie was gone for his two work weeks on the boat. My son, whom I tried to find adequate words to thank and he responded by saying, “Mom, I couldn’t leave you when you needed me most.”
Somehow, in my mind, it was going to be easier for me to be out in Kansas and be the one leaving him, after having seen him there with his sister, brother-in-law and niece and two nephews who love him so much. I knew they all were so excited to have him and that it would somehow would make it easier for me to leave after I had seen them all together, so my heart could comprehend that they all had each other. Why would God have let us purchase these four tickets, if I was going to get the shingles, which would prevent everyone from being able to use them because I wouldn’t be able to fly the grandchildren back?
I had booked the tickets and then come down with the shingles. When I spoke with my family doctor and ask him if I would be able to travel when the time came for me to fly the grandchildren home. He told me that I wasn’t going to like what he had to say, but no, I could not travel. He explained that my immune system hadn’t recovered and that is why I had come down with the shingles… the last thing that I should be doing was to travel and be exposed to all that I would encounter in the airports etc. He also told me that I was going to be sick for awhile and gave me a second dose of the antiviral medication, because the first dose hadn’t stopped the shingles from spreading… In addition, he gave me some medication for the nerve pain. I should tell you that I got very, very sick and was so thankful that Dr. Acheson had told me the truth. It wasn’t long after he said this to me, that I came to really realize that I wasn’t well enough to travel. You will not be surprised that God had a plan and “it wasn’t about me”.
God spoke to my heart to call Delta to see what they could do about the money we had used to purchase these four tickets (Peter, Audri, Ethan and mine). My head knew that Delta doesn’t refund the money for your tickets or let you use them at a later date, but I listened to God. Why wouldn’t I, after all the amazing things He had taught me and done for me on this journey. I called and got the Delta agent that God had hand-picked for me to speak to that day. I explained everything to her from having had the breast cancer, to surgery, chemo, radiations etc. and that I had finally been feeling better, so we had booked these tickets so I could have time with my grandchildren and that just a few days after, I had come down with the shingles and my doctor had said I couldn’t travel.
This Delta agent stayed on the phone with me for over an hour… she went back and forth between supervisors… got Audri & Ethan skymiles numbers etc. None of which I understood why she was doing, but just kept answering her honestly to whatever questions she asked me. After being on hold one last time, she came back to me and said that Delta, as a one-time courtesy was going to give us all credit for our tickets and we would be allowed to use them anytime within the next year from the date that they had been purchased. You can imagine how grateful I was and how many times I thanked her for all she had done. Then to my surprise she said, “Can I share something with you?” I told her of course she could. It was silent for a second and the tone of her voiced changed…it was filled with melancholy. Then she spoke from her heart and told me that one week ago her best friend since childhood had called and told her that she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. In that moment, time seemed to stand still as I simultaneously processed her words, flashback to last August and began to comprehend why the tickets had been really booked. It wasn’t about me at all. With sorrow and helplessness in her voice, she told me she didn’t know what to do for her friend, what to say or how to help. I told that just by being there to listen, she had done the perfect thing and that sometimes no words or deeds were necessary, because knowing she cared would be enough for her friend right now. I told the Delta agent that I didn’t believe in coincidence and that God had had me reach her that day, so I could talk with her. As I flashed backed to the day that Suzanne had called me, shortly after I had been diagnoses with breast cancer, I told the Delta agent that I knew what would be bothering her friend the most; because it was what had upset me in those early stages of diagnosis. I said that her friend was worried about what would happen to her family and friends if she died. I told her I was a Christian, so I wasn’t concerned with what would happen to me, because I knew if I died that I would go home to be with the Lord. It was what my children, my husband, my Mom and Dad… my friends & family would have to go through if I died and who would take care of them? Then I shared with her the words Suzanne had spoken to me that day a little over a year ago. These are the words that I carried in my heart throughout the journey and still do, to this very day. Thank you Suzanne!!!
“Paulette, I want you to think about how much you love each of them.” I told Suzanne, through my tears, that that was easy.
Then she said, “Now, I want you to remember that God loves them more and He will take care of them.”
This from my dear friend, Suzanne’s heart, who had lost her mother to cancer… I knew that God had taken care of Suzanne. I knew the beautiful person she had become and how proud her mother would be of her. Despite the fact, I am sure it brought back many painful memories, Suzanne chose to walk by my side. Next I gave the Delta agent my two phone #’s and told her, that if she or her friend ever needed to talk to just call me. We continued to talk for a few more moments… she told me that she thought God had sent she and her friend an angel today. I assured her that I wasn’tan angel. Then I shared that there were two powerful lessons that I had learned on my journey with cancer. #1 All God wants us to do is to love & take care of each other. #2 Real joy only comes from helping others. I told her that it was an honor to be able to help her and her treasured friend. I also said that I would pray for them. You see I learned, yet again, that it wasn’t about me. It’s was about what I could do for somebody else, no matter where I am on my journey.
Bill may not have been there to hold me the day that Jamie drove out of the Lake House yard pulling the U-Haul, with my Dad’s truck. I did my best to be brave again while saying my goodbyes and as they both drove off… but my mother’s tears came. In case you are wondering who held me while I cried this time, it was the same one who had held me each time my journey had become too hard, Christ. He also left a soft place for me to land, as Jamie wasn’t there. God had chosen him to make that trip with our son. In case you are wondering who, it was my Mom & Dad. Who could better understand how I felt, than them.
You are right, God, the journey is not over until you take me home. A person, who cannot get up and count their blessings every day, is very far from you. Have you thanked God for your many blessings today? You see the world tells us we need to color inside the lines and tries to make us feel uncomfortable if we don’t. God shows us the beauty in not coloring inside the lines through His sunrises, sunsets and majesty during and after his mightiest storms. Doing what is counterintuitive is where God’s deepest beauty lies. Each of us has been chosen to walk a different path by God, for a special reason that only He knows. I dare each one of you to color outside the lines and enjoy the blessing of drinking in God’s deepest beauty. Funny, how God chose today for me to write. I can’t help but wonder how many people learned to color outside the lines on and after Sept. 11th. Remember that in an instant that any of our lives can change forever. What choice will you make? Through your sorry and pain, will you still realize that it’s not all about you, but what you can do for God on whatever journey you have been chosen to take? May God bless and guide you all.
Thank you Davine, for reminding me again, how each moment we have is an opportunity not to be missed. Aunt Joanne, I ate macaroni & cheese all week in honor of you.
My love, (((HUGS))) and prayers,
Paulette
