9NOV2013 Alice in Wonderland Meets Her Knight in Shinning Armour - My Perspective

9NOV2013

Time has sped by fast lately.... as I have no seat partner on my flight home, I will take this as a cue from God to begin my journaling.  Oct. 4th I had my second check up with my chemo doctor.  So they say, it isn't over until it's over or is it?

On Friday's it is very busy in the waiting room to see doctors and wait for treatments.  Sometimes it is standing room only... this is not a small room so it saddens you heart to think of all the people on a journey with cancer.  There were two seats left in the waiting room when Jamie & I arrived.  The two seats happen to be facing the window which gives you a direct view to those people having their chemo treatments.  As I gazed in, I began to flash back to the various stages I was in physically and mentally when having my treatments.  I saw the person who was probably there for the first time getting their treatment... their face showed a positive attitude and lets get this thing facial expression... there is even still a small thread of the fear which you hold deep inside.  Then as I gazed across the faces of the people I saw someone who was probably half way through their treatments.  Their face showed signs of not feeling the best but still wanting to proceed in order to have the freenamee (chemo) treatments behind them.  Lastly, I saw a person who was "in survival mode".  My stomach turns as I flash back to that feeling inside both physically and mentally.  It is like having the worst flu you have ever experienced but so much stronger.  This feeling of sickness takes on a life of its own.  Only you are choosing to allow this to happen to you and a small part of you wonders if you are crazy.  In the deepest place in your heart, you really don't want to do this anymore but this is the path God has chosen and you know if you weren't to do it, that He may\would have taken you home to be with Him.  Maybe even facing that the feelings like you are ready to go, but you know that God has a plan.  God what can I do while I am here in this waiting room to make a difference for all those battling this war and for those who are here to support them as care-givers?  What is it that you want me to do, please show me.  As I sat there and studied the faces of those precious people, I think Jamie was studying my face.  He did not know my thoughts and was probably concerned.  A change came to shift our seats, as I was deep in thought.  Jamie asked me if I would like to sit in the two sits that had become open directly across from us.  I never even thought about it and shifted places.  In that instant my heart knew exactly what God wanted me to do.  What had I craved for so much while on ALL parts of the journey... to laugh... to feel the joy of The Lord.  I leaned over to the woman sitting beside me and ask her what type of cancer she had and she told me breast cancer... You could sense\feel the sadness that there was within her spirit.  I shared with her about my cancer... it is the common bond we did not choose, but makes us close at heart.  That sadness comes & goes along your cancer journey... it is a sadness that only God can remove.  Sometimes it is our assignment from God to lighten that load. 

I leaned over and said, "Do you see that nice looking and seemingly innocent man sitting next to me?"  

She said, "Yes".  

I responded, “Well he is my husband and you will never believe what he said to me when my hair first finally started growing back in... he told me I looked like this thing we had seen on TV... oh what's that called?   .... I know, a cheeapet!" 

She and the ladies sitting across from her burst into laughter.  God just let it flow and I proceed to share more.  

I told them, "As if that wasn't bad enough he also told me that if I just had those big thick round glasses that I could pull off that Mr. Magoo thing pretty well too.  I am pretty sure he wasn't just talking about my looks.  It was most likely including that absentmindedness that chemo fog brings."  

The laughter and smiles continued.  We spend 2 hours continuously like that, as we waited for my turn to go in to see my chemo doctor.   I looked up and the nurse, who wears the old fashioned nursing hat (that I love) was smiling as she came to get her patiences too.  I joked with her too... she has promised me that when she changes her nursing cap that I can have her old one.  Little does she know that I am holding her to it.  We smiled, and some of us laughed so hard, a few tears came down our cheeks.  These were tears of joy that only God could provide.  How often do you suppose that the people sitting in that cancer waiting room or the nurses getting their patients get to smile?  Jamie told me on the way home that he knows that I didn't see the rest of the room but they all were enjoying it as much as the row I was sitting in and the row across from me.  God is so amazingly good.  Yes it did indeed seem like a counterintuitive thing to do, but His still small voice was right.  We all need to feel the “Joy of The Lord”.  

Then came my turn to go in and see my chemo doctor.  There are always a few butterflies when you go in.  As I presented my questions about how I had been feeling... well she totally caught me off guard when she said that I needed some more test (upper GI, CT Scan of my brain and chemo panel of blood work etc.)  That was not what I had expected.  It brought to the forefront what I knew was reality but hadn't been thinking about it.  You see because my cancer had been in a blood vessel and a node that there would always be a chance that my cancer could reoccur.  I had met many people who had had cancer two & three times.  What courage they all had.  Oh how much my heart learned from them when they shared their stories.  Everyone has a story to tell, if you will take the time to listen with Christ-like compassion held within your spirit.  Sometimes it would come back in the same form and other times it came to a new area of the body or multiple areas.  

That night, after we got home & were sitting in our recliners, Jamie smiled at me and stated & asked at the same time, "You never get to be to the finish line on your cancer journey do you?"  

I told him,  “No, but God let my heart know this a long time ago.”

You might wonder how my spirit handles this thought.  Well my heart knows that God has a plan.  

I told my husband, “Well I feel like I am Alice in Wonderland… right now I am on this side of the looking glass. I want to enjoy this very special gift of time that The Lord has given me each day.  It may be my turn to be on the other side of the looking glass again someday.   For now it is my job to let my light so shine for God.

But This time I have a new knowledge & bond with those battling this disease.   You see, I can help others because of where I have been.”

 The Bible says:  3“Blessed be the God and the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”  

2Corinthians 1:3-4  NIV