16July2012 My Journaled Thoughts as My Breast Cancer Journey Begins: Journaling 16July2012 - 8OCT2012
Journaling my thoughts: 16July2012 - 8OCT2012
July 16th, 2012 is the day I found out that I had breast cancer for the first time. At the time I was in Kansas visiting my daughter (Lindsay) and my grandchildren (Audri & Ethan). My daughter, was pregnant with her 3’rd child (Owen). My doctor’s office in New Brunswick, Canada could not get through to my flip phone, so they called my husband Jamie. He FaceTimed my iPad to tell me. What better gift than to hear it from my husband whom I’d loved for 32 years. Below are my thoughts I journaled from Day 1 after finding out. They are raw & real and yet mixed God’s blessings.
My Journaling When My Breast Cancer Began
16July2012: I have stepped into a richer world. You see I have been given the gift to see the world in a whole new capacity. I found out today that I have breast cancer. My prayer for me is to have the strength to fulfill God's will so that other's might see Christ in me. Help me reach the lost and plant the seeds that will yield God's harvest. Give me the strength to keep my eyes on Jesus. There is no time for "Why me?" to enter my spirit, if I am to reflect Christ's image. Amazingly I have a true peace that passeth all understanding as I take my first steps in this journey of cancer.
You see I was already in Kansas with them when I found out. What a warm, soft, comfortable, loving place to fall when I receivd the news.
5Aug2012: God has allowed the journey to begin first class. When I had to change my ticket for my return home, Delta did not charge me the fee to change my ticket just the $75.50 for the difference in the price and they have flown me home first class. My heart feels this is God's way of saying, "I will take you first class on your journey with cancer, if you will just listen to my still small voice. You see I am with you every step of the way. Wherever you look, you will find me and there will blessings all along the way. Ones you would never have experienced had you not stepped out in faith to begin this journey with cancer with me."
22AUG2012: Our 32’nd Anniversary Spent at the Delta Brunswick. All expenses paid because I was having my operation for Breast cancer the next morning. The Chef prepared food for us both & it was delivered to our room. They upgraded us to a suite, when they found out it was our anniversary.
23Aug2012: My letter before leaving to be operated on. Cancer gives you a glimpse at life in a whole new way. It gives you the ability to see beauty where others may miss it. A chance to say those words you've always wanted to say to those you love. In my heart I count it as a blessing, as it drew me yet closer to God, family & friends. **Lindsay went to the hospital to receive her blessing and I went to the hospital to leave my blessing behind. I told my surgeon, Dr. Scarth, that it was quite an anniversary present that he was giving my husband and I for our 32 wedding anniversary... removing my cancer! I also told him that he didn't have to gift wrap it because he could keep it. I told him to give me a high five because today he was removing my cancer. He got a grin on his face and gave me a high five.
24AUG2012: Today I went for my first walk with Jamie outside. The Salt air drinks you into its peacefulness that God has so magestically stored within its scent. Then there is the warmth of the sunshine on your face and the joy when you look into the eyes of the man you have been married to for 32 years. There is such a warmth & compassion held in the depths of his eyes. They say that your eyes are the window to your soul. For just a moment my heart got a glimpse at the love unconditional love of Christ He has placed within Jamie's spirit through his eyes. Such blessings all around us! Thank you Lord.
Faith can move a mountain. (Matthew 17:20)
12SEPT2012: In life there will be bright sunny days… on the surface they look beautiful but if you look up at the sun, when you turn away, you can’t really see what is surrounding you. Yet when the cloudy days arrive, they are the ones that give you the freedom to see the real beauty & blessing all around you, no matter what direction you look. Your heart knows what I mean; the blessings that satan has tried to blind your eyes from seeing and your heart from feeling, as he creates his illusion of bright sunshine to blind you from the beauty that is encompassing you within the shadows. These cloudy days give you a glimpse into the true depth of the people’s hearts that God has surrounded you with.
Part of the healing process of this journey with cancer comes through tears. There are many moments on this journey when they will flow and simply release the pressure that has built up inside. There are tears that stem from sorrow; tears that stem from relief and tears that stem from joy... it seems our emotions are heightened in times of trial. Sometimes we try to suppress these emotions in our attempt to protect those around us. Then there are those loved ones that we can hide nothing from. One look deep into their eyes shows you that they love you for who you are and not what you are going through. What I am saying is that blessings can be hidden within the trials of our lives. Often these trials are God’s mercy in disguise. The darkest moments can bloom into magnificently breathtaking, hidden blessing, that your heart never expected.
8OCT2012: A Quiet Place to Rest
Everyone's personal storm comes from their own perspective. The violence contained within is individually interpreted based on our own experience in life. These experience contribute to who we become and how we handle our circumstances. My heart remembers well what it is like without God and the incomprehensible change that it is with God. It is like going from black and white to color. Yes my heart, soul and spirit found rest with Lindsay, Peter, Audri, Ethan & new precious baby Owen. You see when we are faced with a magnanimous change we crave what is normal to use. I guess you could say that I got a vacation from cancer. Drink in the comprehension of that statement and you will know the blessing God allowed me with my trip to Kansas.
A rest gives you new life and courage to move forward once again. There is peace contained within rest, as it fills your soul with God's destination He chose especially for you. Yes, it was counterintuitive to think I might be given this blessing in the midst of the storm, but that is where faith comes in. Look at the miracle that was given by listening to His still small voice. There is joy & blessings within the journey of cancer.
If I were to chose a part of the journey that I am not looking forward too it is this next chunk called Chemo. No, it isn't the fact that I am going to feel ill and lose my hair. It is the unknown that brings concern. Anyone who knows me, realizes that I don't do well taking normal everyday medicines and chemo presents some might drugs to assault any microscopic cancer that I might have left. My granddaughter coined a term for this part of the journey. *** "Nana, Chemo is your frenamy (fren u mee)". You see chemo is my friend as it will attack the enemy of cancer that remains in my body. Audri is a very smart nine year old. So let's just say I start my Frenamy treatments next week on Oct. 17th at 10:30am.
