Journey Updates with Breast Cancer 2012-2013 - A Roller Coaster Ride With Blessings
7 September 2012
It has been a week of lessons for me to learn and just as in school, some lessons are harder to learn than others. The teacher in me would love to have a lesson plan to go by, but the beginning of the journey with cancer does not even have a map with a designated route. It is more like a roller coaster ride because you really don’t know what to expect next. Like school there are many tests involved but the difference is, that with cancer it doesn’t matter how much you study as it doesn’t affect the outcome. What’s funny though is that you still have to study to understand what the results of the tests mean for you. In this case, it feels like the more I know only makes me realize that I haven’t really comprehended what I thought I understood. The more I learn about my test results the more essential questions there are that need to be answered. To top it all off now I need more tests that all my studying won’t affect… “It is what it is, right Dad.” :O) 😊
Sometimes, I think our hearts don't fully comprehend what it means, when we sign up for God's army... much like when a solider signs up for military service. To read about war and to experience war are two different things. Are we really only willing to remain in the back lines of the war in the shadows; or to go to the very front lines of the battle if called to do so? Well journeys past have taught me that I was willing to go from the back lines in the shadows of the battle, toward the front line, but still remain in the shadows. What cancer has taught me is that I am willing to go to the very front lines for the cause of Christ in order to reach someone’s son or daughter that they have prayed for. You see my heart knows that God has hand- picked me to do this, just as He has hand-picked someone to reach those I love. We are naturally willing to lay our lives down for our own children but do we have true Christ like love... the love that makes you willing to lay down your very life to reach someone else's child for Christ? Cancer is a blessing because through this, I know I am willing. I will not curl up in a corner because I have Cancer. We only need to be willing to step out in faith to accomplish God's will and He will provide the wisdom, strength, grace, mercy & love that we need to accomplish His work. I am not saying that this walk with cancer is easy, because I have felt the assault almost daily at this point in time, as each piece is revealed to me and leads to where I must walk next. That is exactly why God gives us one day at a time... we couldn't possibly bear to comprehend it all at once. Honestly, it can be indescribably overwhelming at times, but I keep my eyes on Christ, for in my deepest place in my heart I know that He chose me to reach the lost while on this journey with cancer. He wants me to bring hope & encouragement to others. That is something each of us can do, no matter what journey we are on. A hug, a smile, taking time to talk to someone, a prayer… they are all free blessings we can give.
Just as in war, there come those almost indescribable moments when you can't breathe, like when I found out that I must now go back for further tests to see if the cancer is anywhere else in my body. (This is due to some of the parts in my the pathology report that have come back so far.) One gift cancer has given me is to see the depth of love that Christ has for me and the depth of my love for Him. There have been many blessings along the way and God's timing has been perfect for each one, as only Christ could orchestrate within His intricate plan, that is gift wrapped in His love, mercy & grace. Those moments when information takes its journey from your head to your heart… and the realization touches your very soul are the ones that can take your very breath away. Those are the moments you hold true to God's promises and you look up & remember that God will provide for all of your needs and the needs of your family & friends. You see the most painful part of this journey for me, is realizing what I must put those I love through pain because they love me. This is the part where satan tried to gain his foothold. I got angry because I don't want to put those I love through this. There is nothing more painful than to look deep into the eyes of those you love and recognize the pain that you are causing them, because they love you enough that they are willing to walk by your side through the furry of the storm. Suzanne Mitchell said to me, “Remember Paulette how much you love each of them, well God loves them more and He will take care of them.” Those words have been a blessing to my heart many times.
I am surrounded with blessings & love like my friends Cindy, Suzanne & Andrea who have lost people they love to Cancer, but they are still willing to walk with me on my journey with cancer. Cindy is always there on the phone for me or returning my text messages... to encourage me and brighten my day. Suzanne always shares her God stories with me and lets me share mine with her and is always there to listen if I need her. Andrea is always willing to talk to me on the phone and tells me she is willing to drive me anywhere if I ever need her to. Gail & Gloria always have gluten free food, a smile, hugs & encouragement. Charity & Mary your precious prayers & phone calls. Beav we won't tell them how many years we've been friends! Craig my fellow prayer warrior --- how many years ago did we graduate? Who would have been brave enough to cut all my hair off than you Phyllis... by the way I love it.
Then there is my family that the God has blessed me with. My husband, my Mom & Dad, my son & daughter, Aunt Elaine (yes I know you are a year younger than me but I just can’t help myself!), Aunt Joanne & Aunt Sonja… I could never name you all or how much you mean to me. All of you are such an encouragement to me… some verbal and some by example… Davine you are an inspiration for my heart! Lassie for your visits, phone calls & soup! Precious people have faithfully prayed for me. So it is through them that I have experienced the real depth of the love my friends & family have for me. How do you put into words that blessing?! It is a spiritual blessing so there are no earthly words... true Christ-like love is spiritual, just as Christ's love for us is. It is a natural instinct to want to protect those we love from seeing our pain. Each moment God allows me a glimpse of the good this journey has created through these very people, my family & friends who given me their support and encouragement in so many ways. This gives me inspiration & courage to take that next step forward. The power of each person’s prayers takes away the shadows that satan attempts to cast, so he can get a foothold. Instead each person’s prayers helps give me the ability to see the love & support that the Lord has blessed and surrounded me with. Stop just for one moment and think about that and remember to NOT EVER think, "All I can do is pray for you" for it is the most powerful earthly gift you can give!!! Thank you for all those precious prayers!
To show you God's goodness, mercy & grace... the day I found out that I needed to go for more tests God told me to pick up the phone that I couldn't do this alone. In those moments you want the one you are closest to, but my husband Jamie was away, as it was his two week work shift on the boat, so he wasn’t home. From my past experiences I should have known that satan would present his strong assault on the first full day that my husband was away. Satan doesn't attack us when he thinks it is convenient for us... of course he attacks us when he feels it will be our weaker moments, in his attempt to gain a foothold. My God provides for all my needs, but I must humble myself to accept the blessing of these gifts God wants to provide. It is not my nature to ask for help, because it is my nature to be the giver. There is a reason that God says, it is better to give than to receive. Receiving requires humility on our part. Are any of us really good at the humility required to be truly humble? Yet God has a lesson in Jamie's absence for me... it is in his absence that I learn to totally depend on God and He in turn allows me the blessing of seeing the love of others that He has surrounded me with. I knew God was right and I needed someone to give me support, so I could process the information that I had been given. I called my son first and then God told me exactly who to call & I did. He gave me two precious friends in Christ to help me take that Heavenly breath I needed. My two friends (Robert & Suzanne) both were there to give me their Christian love & support. In the instant we sat down, my phone rang and it was my nurse care manager calling from St. John to clarify any questions I might have regarding the email she had sent to me answering my questions about the parts of the pathology report I had received. Talk about God’s perfect timing! Remember to never ask a question unless you really want to know the answer, even when it isn't going to be the answer your heart was hoping for. Ask a question when you think you are ready, to know the truth. I got a note book and pen and passed them to Suzanne so she could take notes. You see shock is a time when your mind can not think clearly and satan tries to capitalize on it by blinding you from what you really need to hear. The day I was told the fact that I had cancer was a shock and almost more of a shock was in that moment of realization that I may now have cancer in areas other than what they removed when they operated on me. Now God had provided two extra sets of ears to listen and one extra pair of hands to write. They helped me filter through the information being shared on the phone & in the email, so my mind could comprehend where the next step to move forward would be. I now have an appointment with my surgeon on Tuesday Sept. 11th to find out the rest of my pathology results. Whatever they are, it is well with my soul and I am going to be looking for the people Christ has placed in my path. I have learned that shock & fear are two completely different emotions even though they are often intertwined. You see, I know where I am going when I die so I have no fear, but realizing the time could be nearer than you thought can be a shock. The blessing is that this truly gives more value to each day that you live and a stronger desire to do good along the way. Get thee behind me satan because God's army of prayer warriors are going to take me into battle and WE WILL WIN!!!! It is well with my soul. It had been a hard day of realization and that night God gave me a warm hug when two people I had taught school with (Holly & Terra) showed up at my door giving me a quilt they had made for me. It was like a warm hug from God saying, "I have surrounded you with my people and you are never alone." You see one of satan's greatest deceptions is to try and make us feel that we are isolated and alone wherever we are on our journey, but I know that God is always with me and God will provide for all my needs before I even know that I have them. Stop and think for just a moment at the magnificence of that truth. May it encourage you today, no matter where your journey has led you.
And by the way God provides me blessings everyday that allow my husband to feel close, though he is away at work for two weeks at a time... like sometimes seeing him sail past (on the ocean) when he is on his way to work or on his return from work; his text messages throughout the day and getting to speak with him on the phone each night. When I look out and see the ocean, I know that he isn’t far away and I know God is with us all.
My love, ((((HUGS)))) and prayers,
Paulette
