Nov. 11, 2012 Some Cousin Love from Davine - Heavy Reading for When You Feel Up to reading and Possibly Falling Asleep

Nov. 11, 2012  Powerful Words of encouragement and truth from my Cousin Davine.  Very wise words, from someone who has been in the illness valley for 61\2 years.  We go through our trials to help someone else and she is sending that Christ-like love to me, through this email below.  It is done with heartfelt compassion, That only comes from where she has walked.  Love you Cuz more than I can say in words.

Dear Paulette,

First: I so hope your body handles this treatment better then the last and that it runs through with much more ease for you. Paulette I believe we are not given any thing we can not handle, but there are days we believe we can't. Moments we wish or wonder why we chose a certain path, but know it is the right path, if you have taken it. I wish for you with all my heart so much comfort on your most difficult days and the ability to see the light at the end of the day, even if it feels so far away, because some days it can FEEL a million miles away. I want you to smile when you feel sad put your heart and mind in a happy place. I do every time I need a lift or if I am scared and my happy place is camp with all our whole family's together with Grammy and Grampy. Don't let or allow the pain, sadness or fear intrude, it only becomes something worse than your illness.  It works against your recovery. I want you to get hugs when your spirit sags even a little, gain new friendships to teach that you, your not alone and to brighten your being inside and out on your toughest days, patience to accept the unknown or the truth even when it is difficult to hear or if it is not what you wanted or expected to hear, the courage to know yourself and to believe in yourself… that you can get through it and all the love you can receive to complete your life. (TOLD YEA WORDY I WRITE AS THOUGH YOU WERE SITTING RIGHT HERE WITH ME AND WE HAD A CUP OF BROTH  TO SETTLE OUR BELLY'S AND TWO EASY CHAIRS  TO HELP WITH THE ACHES THE MEDICATIONS LEAVE OUR BODY'S TO DEAL WITH AND ALL DAY TO CHAT IF WE COULD STAY AWAKE LONG ENOUGH) THIS COMMENT WILL MAKE MUCH MORE SENSE WHEN YOU READ NUMBER 2........ :)

Second: I wanted to explain and tell you that I do not write well and that I write how I feel and most of the time I write how I talk and that can be very wordy. Plus, Yvonne is the English major, she should have written this for me IT  would have most likely been much more clearly written. I spell very poorly and my grammar is awful so I do not accept any reasonability for any spelling or grammar errors and if you can get past those two things this e-mail will go just fine. I usually joke a lot, but I feel compelled to write something's that are on my heart so not sure if this will be overly funny… I am not so sure why I am so compelled to write, but something is deeply moved within me and I want to write to you and thank you for all of your well wishes and prayers for me through some of my roughest days and tell you if not 100 times at least 25 that I am here for you . I have been through a lot and have a long way to go and I have been reading  your e-mails and I want you to know you can use me. You sound good, strong and your faith is going to get you through every step along with your family and your love and the guiding Hand of God. I just wanted to add I am here too, I know we do not have the same condition, but I do feel some of your emotions your feeling I have gone through them and if I can help you I am here.

… I just had a treatment yesterday myself, nothing like yours, but I missed one last week and it seems to be making my body a little upset. My body has a mind of it's own I am just going along for the ride.

Ok, now for the main reason for my e-mail I want you to know I am here, always have been and always will be. I know we don't talk a lot, but that does not mean we don't love each other. We are family and that is the strongest bond there is...... I have a push, a connection… something gravitating me to you. I know that, "please understand what I am going to write"…  you are not alone you have so many people around you who love you and are with you and you have God in your life and with you, every step of your journey". I have been dealing with my illness for 6 1/2 years and I have learned so much and have been through some tough times, where it is hard to talk to anyone and sometimes you can feel alone in a room full of the people and family you love the most in this world. This fight, this illness is happening to you, it is your body, your the one in pain, your the one that is sick, weak, confused, your scared and so afraid yet sitting in the recliner at the cancer center about to have Chemo/Cocktail of drugs placed in your vein all the while you know this just might make me very sick or put me back in the hospital. The feeling you feel of helplessness, the fear you have the min they start the machine and it starts to drip into your vein. Even when the love of your life is holding your hand there is a small glimmer of feeling alone it is you and your body it is going into I understand that feeling and so does your Mum. Your faith will be such a saving grace for you.  God works in wonderful ways and all the prayers from so many people can be felt, but know if you ever have a need to talk I am just a call, text or e-mail away..

I want to add one more thing remember your family is worried about you, we all are.   We all love you and don't want you to hurt, but it is truly a different worry for you because you worry for yourself and them, and this illness is yours you own it and when you have a procedure, a test, a treatment it is you in that room, but know your never truly alone everyone is praying and thinking good thoughts for and about you. Your job is to think about you not worry about anyone or anything just take care of you and everyone will be ok, all their focus and prayers are all going for you. Courage does not always scream out sometimes, it is just that soft voice inside of us that says at the end of the day and telling us I will try again tomorrow.  Listen to that voice it is right always push for tomorrow. If at anytime you want to talk about anything I am here. I hope I am making sense and not writing in circles I do that too.

I have wanted to write for a very long time, but I don't talk about my illness or my feelings or experiences very much., I have accepted my life now. I have a journey that has changed my life in so many wonderful ways. Some have been difficult. What thought was unreachable and when I though I couldn't cross over, that it was to difficult…  I said, “Ok lets go”… and the next part of my life started and it would not have begun without that struggle.  This has taught me that sometimes the greatest changes come from great, great struggles.... I have learned so much about me I have changed become stronger and my ability to succeed and accept are far beyond my imagination. I believe my disease is showing me I have “courage I never thought  I ever had it” and I live with it every day with as much grace as I believe I can .  I believe I have been blessed with this disease for a reason not sure why yet fully, but there is a reason and a lesson. I am not supposed to know now as my journey is not done, yet I have something to do. I was given this as a gift I truly believe that.  Some say I am crazy, I truly believe if given to someone else maybe they would not be able to have dealt with it or nor their body and they would not still be here to be a teaching tool. All I know is that I am still here and I will fight through it all to get to that place I am supposed to be. Just like you will your journey your path is there and the lesson will show, I know it. Only the strong are given the gift to teach and this is what we are doing in some way we are teaching.

I do know for me, I have learned many things about myself, my disease, other diseases like mine.  I know I have helped 4 patients in my research group, that may not have been helped if I had not joined the research group, because of what I have gone through and for me, I feel very privileged to know that I may save someone's life someday because of all the things that I have gone through. I have seen and have been introduced to the most wonderful people. that if I had never become ill would never had the opportunity to meet them and to have them be able to have taught me so much about life, death, survival, and what it means to live is priceless, I honestly enjoy my life more and more everyday.

I hope you don't take this e-mail as being lame I just had this overwhelming push to write you and tell you that I understand some of your emotions and fears ups and downs. I don't boast to say I know exactly what your feeling we all deal in our own way, but there is a connection or for me I feel it and have held back from writing and for that I am sorry. Our circumstances don't determine who we are, even if we start to feel that way. What it does is reveals who we really are and what we thought we never had in us. It shows us those extraordinary pieces of ourselves we would have never ever seen. Your an exceptional, wonderful, courageous and strong woman and I am proud to call you family. Please know I am here for  you any time and that I love you very much. 

 

YOU WILL ENCOUNTER SO MANY AMAZING MOMENTS BECAUSE OF THIS JOURNEY.   DON'T MISS EVEN THE SMALLEST OF EVENTS THEY WILL TAKE YOU BREATH AWAY.

 

I hope I did not bug you and I hope if you just want to have a pal to talk to text with or e-mail to I am around...

 

Love you ever so much good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daivne

XOXO