January 12, 2013 Sometimes Reality is Hard to Face - The Battle Continues
January 12, 2013
Sometimes Reality is Hard to Face - The Battle Continues
January 4, 2013.
There are times that dealing with the cancer becomes rough emotionally. All of us go through rough waters emotionally at times in our lives. After being sick for so long, after this last treatment and now having my treatment delayed a week, is one of those times. Satan loves to work his way in and discourage and tries to capture you into thinking of all the negative thoughts instead of the positive ones and it is exactly how he traps you in the land of discouragement. When I had the treatment with the “new drug taxotere” last time, it was particularly hard on me and I was sick the better part of three weeks and 1 1\2 weeks before I was to go for my next treatment, I ended up in the hospital from January 30th to January 5th. This is typically the time that I would have been building up my strength by walking and getting ready for my next treatment. It was pretty discouraging to not get the reprieve from being sick and get to build up my strength. Honestly I didn’t want to go to St. John for my doctor’s appointment, let alone face having the next chemo treatment. I just felt so weak and St. John is a long ride. Jamie took me up the night before to make it an easier day for me the next day. The day before we left I made sure I sat up most of the day to get my strength up for the three hour car ride. I had been in bed much more than sitting up while in the hospital. And when I first got home I could only be up so long because I was exhausted. It worked because I made the car ride. Though deep in my heart I really didn’t want to go. I just wanted the chemo part of this journey to be over-with. I tried to prepare myself mentally, by typing up my list of questions for my chemo doctor because as sick as I had been, I definitely had a lot of questions that my heart needed answered. The night we arrived in St. John was particularly a hard night for me because I just didn’t want to deal with the chemo treatments anymore. My heart knows the only way I had the courage to go through the doors to my doctor’s appointment was through the power of prayer of others. Your prayers are what carried me with Christ through those doors. On my own, I could not have done it. As hard as I had fought to get myself emotionally through those doors, when she told me I couldn’t have my chemo treatment that day I was disappointed and discouraged, even though I knew in my heart that I wasn’t ready emotionally or physically to have it. Part of me just wanted it over with. I need to get my brain to look at this extra week as a blessing to build my strength and encourage me by having a few days that I feel better. At times it is hard to be encouraged though, as you kind of feel like the lamb being led to the slaughter. If you get well enough to have the treatment, you know it is going to knock you flat again. It doesn’t feel like much of a reward to feel better and get your strength up to be knocked down again. God tells us we must turn the other check. How often are we willing to turn the other cheek with the right attitude. I need to get a better attitude before I face the next treatment next week on Wednesday the 16th. My chemo doctor has given me two new medications in hopes of making me not have as rough of a time after my treatment. New medications means more for me to learn and I needed to do up knew medication charts because there is just so many medications to deal with. There are 17 medications for me to keep track of now. That is a lot when you have chemo fog, but I did succeed in getting my medication charts redone so I would understand what times to take them; weather to take them with or without food and which ones I need to take the day prior to starting my chemo. If it sounds complicated, well honestly it is. At times it seems so overwhelming. My chemo doctor also wants me to be admitted to the hospital after my chemo treatment so they can keep me hydrated etc. I have found out the hospital aspect might not be possible, as there might not be a bed available. It is after all the flu season. I will not know until I get there for my treatment if there will be a bed available for me. Being a planner by nature, this is hard for me. I will just pack my suitcase and have everything with me just in case I do stay in hospital for a few days. The nurses will love me for me detailed medication lists if I do stay in the hospital. There is no way that I could keep those medications straight to tell them orally. I learned the typing up medications and medical histories from my Mom and Dad. They are always so organized when they go for their doctor’s appointments. It is a good skill to have picked up. Thanks Mom & Dad! I want to thank you all for all of your prayers as they are what has carried me along with our Lord Jesus Christ. I do not know how people face things like this without the Lord. I have my faith to hang on to and know that God has a plan and I will just have to trust Him for whatever his plan is next week. I have heard it said that if you want to hear God laugh just tell Him your plans. Well cancer has no road map or schedule and many times each day is minute by minute as you deal and face the tasks that have been put in front of you to do. Trying to balance and find a new normal in the middle of your journey with cancer is difficult at best. You are in a position where you have to live & breath the realities of cancer everyday. Oh how your spirit would just like a break from thinking and dealing with it all but your mind doesn’t know how to get a break from it. I can honestly say that I look forward to going to bed at night and getting some sleep because there I can often get a break from the harsh realities that I face each day. There have been gains because for the last two days I have NOT been nauseous! Though I have no appetite to speak of, it is much easier to convenience yourself to eat if you aren’t sick to your stomach. During treatments your taste buds are foreign to you. You know what the food looks like and your mind knows what it tastes like but when you put it in your mouth, it doesn’t taste like any food you have ever eaten. It’s flavor is completely different. Eating itself is a very unique experience. Over the last three weeks, when I was so sick, I lost 6 pounds so I am making sure I eat good each day now that I am not nauseous. I do not want to lose any more weight. It’s not that I could not stand to lose some weight because I am over weight but losing too much weight at once makes you feel weak. Right now I need to build up my strength. This far into the journey just accomplishing the simple normal everyday tasks is a challenge, but you just keep working away at it. You need a taste of “normal” and finding that is hard to do because your normal that you felt comfortable with has been taken away. There are things that are constants in my life which help create some balance… God, the love & prayers of my family and friends. For these rich blessings I am very thankful. So keep your prayers coming, as they mean more to me at this point on my journey than I can express in words. Pray that God will keep me encouraged and help me to focus on positive thoughts and the blessings that are around me each day.
My love, ((((HUGS))))) and may God bless,
Paulette
